|Voiced by:||André Sogliuzzo|
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Dave Screed is a conspiracy theorist who feels that the Illuminati have replaced his girlfriend Penny with an android and that he is constantly being spied on. He provides information on a variety of topics and assists the player character in finding the Illuminati headquarters. 
Screed is the Editor-in-Chief of the Weird Non-Fiction magazine, copies of which can sometimes be seen littered around the game.
- Look. Who I am isn't important. What is important, what is vitally important, is raising awareness of the truth. You can quote me on that, David O. Screed, editor-in-chief of "Weird Non-Fiction" magazine. Maybe you've read us...or maybe they stopped you. I'm talking the universal "they." Puppet governments, their shadow masters, Big Brother corporations, Satanic cults, squid worshippers, the Knights Templar - pick a card, man, any card. The wilder it is, the more out there it is, the better. Don't you get it? Put all the madness in plain view, then they call us crazy. The moral panic never lasts! We're the sheep and they're the cooks! I'm just one voice, but I'm making myself heard. Subscriptions, mailing list - my confidential mailing list, they are doubling month after month. This is my time, my calling. I'm ready. I tried to run from it once, as far away as we could get. To West Virginia. My uh, my parents lent me the money for the Amtrak back here.
- For a warehouse district, a dead neighbourhood, this place sure gets a lot of traffic. Don't you think? Not hipsters looking for rehearsal space. This is where the deeply incognito go to be found. The underground scene here, it's real deep underground, you know what I mean? People-watching not your style? We got your violence, we got your rituals. Check the back issues. Alligators in the sewers, giant squid washing up outta the East River. Packs of wild dogs talking in Russian. I mean, this place is a fuckin' pregentrification Spook Central, eh? That's why I stay inside, man! Listen, I'm not an investigative journalist, I don't go door-to-door looking for trouble. I have a drop box for that shit. You want the wild stuff, try the rockabilly vamp who runs the bookstore. I came here here to go dark, to go native, darkly native. Embedded. And we can almost make the rent on this place, it's condemned. In this messed-up world it might be the safest place to be! Think about that. Is some many-angled elder god really gonna make New York worse, heh?
- First Manhattan, then all of New York, the Illuminati took this city like a fuckin' virus. They kept on hammering until we let them in, like those little porn pop-up windows that won't quit! Corruption as deep and wide as those quote unquote closed subway tunnels under Atlantic Avenue. Wall Street is their piggy pank, and Times Square? Strobe hypnosis, thirty milliseconds spliced in on every one thousand, three hundred and thirty-seventh frame. I've filmed it, filmed it and gone through all the data! The exposure almost killed me with a migraine, just ask Penny... the old Penny. She was slipping something into the chicken soup, but I've built up tolerance to it. You're thinking I should confront the authorities, make sure my voice is heard. I can't hide in a laundromat forever, right? Well, I can! I can hide in a laundromat forever. And the magazine is my voice. My insurance. Look outside, what's even real? They changed the rules, made a new reality. It's all fake, just boxes. Boxes and a dark sky.
The secret world
- You want to talk about dark days? Listen, we are in the long shadow of 2012, it is hanging over us like... like the fuckin' Death Star! Okay? I'm not saying it's the end. The Mayans were crazy mothers, but they weren't stupid. 2012 is the beginning. Of the end. A signal point. When all the lines start to come together! And you will wake up one day, my friend, and find the world has turned to a screaming hell-planet while you slept, thinking you were safe in your, your little bubble. Okay? That's the risk you take every time you close your eyes! Day to day, it's like fuckin' Russian roulette - the gun of truth, the magic bullet - pressed to the skull of the future. But you know, I salute you. I mean, I couldn't do it any more myself. I couldn't...I couldn't take the uncertainty. So I really cut back on sleeping, as much as I can, okay? I use...eh... Vitamin supplements, energy drinks, nicotine gum, Pop Rocks, hair spray... That kind of shit.
- Not here! Not here, alright? There's only so much I can tell you. Living in their back yard, it pays not to lay a turd on the doorstep, you get me? But, look. Everything our nation has ever done, the good and the bad, it's all in their scheme. Their pyramid scheme, ha-ha. They've pulled some, some Body Snatchers level shit on this country, man! The Senate, the Army, the banks, the law firms, Hollywood, Fort Knox, Cheyenne Mountain... Disneyland, for christ's sake! The USA became a superpower off of Illuminati becoming the super-villain. This already happened! What do they want? What do you give the conspiracy that has everything? Search me, my friend. I'm just trying to get by day to day on microwave ramen and paranoia! I mean, I don't hate them for, you know, anything other than abducting my girlfriend. But she knew the risks when she followed me down this road. And between you and me, Penny-bot here is something else in the sack.
Lua error: Internal error: The interpreter has terminated with signal "11".